Once again I have been in Toronto General Hospital for a few days. I felt a short spell of the old chest pain on Monday night. On Tuesday morning, I had to have my INR checked. Afterwards, at the streetcar stop up at College and University, I felt so tired that I felt I had to lean against a newspaper box. Then I felt that I would fall down unless I hitched myself up on top of the box. I saw black spots in front of me and, feeling awful, I slumped back against the wall. Two streetcars came, but I did not feel strong enough to walk to them. After only about eight minutes, I hailed a cab and went to the hospital's emergency department.

They monitored my heart, but, because I have had two DVT's in my legs, the doctor recommended a CT scan on my lungs. The results showed that I had no clots in my lungs, only small scars of previous clots, but they did show that I had a growth behind my breast bone. There is a gland there called the thymus. It usually shrinks after adolescence, but mine is about half as long and wide as half my thumb. Because it is behind my upper sternum, the thoracic surgeons reckoned they could not do a biopsy on it without opening the chest and so they might as well remove it.

I was in hospital until yesterday establishing by CT scan, gamma ray exam and ultrasound that, if it was malignant, it has not spread to my abdomen or my scrotum. So it is quite safe for the moment, but they will split my chest like a walnut and take it out. As I am on blood thinners, we will probably wait two or three weeks and then some discomfort. Bwaaa!

In the middle of the night, Halloween morning, what a time to die....In fact, I knew I would not, as the pain was not strong, although it went on for about half an hour. I look forward to a peaceful, possibly enlightening death, but what if I am in distracting pain? What if I am in pain for a long time and welcome death as a relief? Or, in my culture, what if I am so inured from pain with drugs that I can no longer concentrate on the devotions that I have been so careful to learn? Or what if, like my mother, I have severe dementia and don't even know where and when I am?
All good November, (Scorpio), thoughts, as they rake up the lovely damp, red, brown and yellow leaves to make a pumpkin patch at the end of our very private street. To life, to life, Lochaim!

All last week we were getting warnings that the Kapersky anti virus protection was running out on this notebook. Kim had installed it for me, insisting that it was the best in the world. Well, we tried to renew it using Matthew's credit card, but this was not accepted so yesterday I switched the operating system to Google Chrome. Things do seem to jump forward a little faster although all my old bookmarks have disappeared in favor, it seems, of all of David's favorites. I guess the continuing cold has made me a bit tense, hence a slight unpleasantness on waking at six.

Chest pain and sore teeth. First in right upper back and then left. Uncomfortable, but no longer frightenning. 5.45AM for ten minutes.

Saturday night 3.45AM. Intense Pain in jaw and upper palate,only discomfort in chest, five minutes.

Workday at home after rough night with twenty five minutes of chest and mouth pain. I am beginning to wonder if it is brought on by stress. Medically, angina and sleep apnea have been ruled out. I can't see my doctor until next week.

I took a bath in Matthew's enormous bathroom. As we said when we first saw it, this is a kooky house. The master bedroom has a cramped bathroom, despite the odd presence of a bidet, and the doorless upstairs room has a giant bathroom with a shower, toilet, basin and a bath big enough for two. There is no washroom on the main floor, but there is a tiny toilet and basin room in the basement. Here we have a house with no view, but much daylight and clever sunken ceiling lights for the evenings and for the coming winter months. We have not fully unpacked yet. We are half moved in. We love it.

Since there are two living rooms, we have room for all three sons and much more room for everyone than we had downtown.

(Added later). On Sunday, as I was looking at photographs, the Dell computer froze. I took it to Honson's who are now in the Home hardware store across the street and Mr. Honson, who now speaks much better English, had it ready by Wednesday, I think. He complained that Dell hard drives are the worst and that it had just given in. He restored a funny version of Windows and we seem to have lost some stuff although he did back it up. He gave me a screw driver to open the old hard drive. As he said it would be, it is beautiful inside. I think sixteen of them in a grid behind glass would make a very satisfying art piece. The one I deconstructed, just like the alarm clock when I was five(!), sits in our glass fronted cupboard, Come to think of it one of those hideous Louis Quinze cabinets all wood and brass and glass filled with open hard drives would be hilarious.


First post sitting in bed with the new notebook and the new router installed by William.

On Monday I got a toothache above my right cuspidor, I think it is called. As we passed the university building I love designed by German architects, the ache spread to my whole mouth and then, in that order, to the right side of my chest going across to approximately where my heart is. After some indecision, I got off the streetcar at Bay and walked back towards the Toronto General Emergency where I was admitted a while back. by the time I got there, it had passed off and I turned around and went to Starbucks for breakfast.

I had quarrelled the night before,first in the supermarket and later in bed, but when I thought again that I might be dying, I could only regret that she would have that last image of me and that I would be sulking about something really quite unimportant compared to my permanent absence from her life at least.

Tuesday was, as usual, my favourite day of the week. I stopped off at the greenhouse in Allen Gardens on the way home, but could not find a gardener. I want to know the name of the plant in the North East corner of the park, on the left as I get off the street car, which will soon be mauve all over. It is very exotic and rare and I want to find out all about it as I did about the catalpa tree a few years ago.

I learned about the unabomer this afternoon on wikipedia. (Edited this the next day).

From Hospital: Last Tuesday I woke to that tightness in my chest again and also the tooth ach across my whole jaw. At Cathy's urging I called telehealth, called in sick and went to hospital at 11.30. After much delay they treated me with some alarm which ended up as possible angina. I am here still, now on the luxurious transplant ward waiting an angioplasty and possibly insertion of a stent in one of the arteries leading to the heart. Kim calls it a wake up call. I'm going to get a lot more "I told you so" s in the next few days. The wedding approaches. Gareth and KIm both taking on too much. Cathy says I should rent a suit. Great idea. Must go and rejoin her.

Saturday night I was woken by tension and pain across my upper body below the chest. I thought I was having a heart attack and prepared myself for death just in case. It passed off and I slept again.

Yesterday Cathy was in waves of pain and in the evening the telephone health service recommended that I get her to hospital. Matthew had borrowed the car so we had to go by ambulance. Cathy was screaming and crying out with pain.

Eventually at TGH she was given morphine and they found that she was passing kidney stones. We came home at three AM. I had called in an Ill dependant day.

We only slept till eight as we were called to return to the hospital for a CT scan. They confirmed two stones and we returned at one. I went immediately to get my INR but the line up was horrendous and I returned via Starbucks. They know my drink now and Hungry as I was, (I had not eaten since a subway at the hospital the night before), The fruit and grain bar and the drink were delicious.

I have spent 120 dollars since yesterday.